Making A Mess of It

Being the mom of three kids, I'm no stranger to messiness. Not just the clothes-on-the-floor or food-on-the-face variety, but in everything. My kids love art projects, and I struggle not to roll my eyes when they dive into the art cabinet and begin pulling out markers and play-dough and construction paper and glue. For me, the mess is the price I pay to let them explore their creativity. For them, the mess is part of their creativity.

A few weeks ago, I was reading an article in The Writer's Chronicle (a publication of AWP - The Association of Writers and Writing Programs) entitled "Where do you get your ideas?" by Alice Mattison. The article was not so much about coming up with ideas as it was how we as fiction writers invent stories - from the first idea all the way through the end of the story. How we create.

I'd love to print the entire article here for you, but here is part that spoke to me, especially where I am right now in this writing journey (which is a journey for everyone who writes, no matter how little or how much you are published):

How do we invent? The answer I want won't be simple; it's not a set of instructions.... There is some process we have in common – not a dignified one that could be given the pretentious name "craft," which suggests a number of things that rarely lead to good writing... but a sloppy, embarrassing process involving fooling around, moving haphazardly from whatever we began with, in the general direction of something else.

Craft is something you can do in public and explain in public, while good writing is more like taking your clothes off when that's not appropriate – something that may even do harm or make our friends and family ashamed of us. And "craft" suggests control, while a good book requires surrendering control, at least at times.

There is so much more to this article, things I may come back to on this blog, but right now I'm sitting on this. I am in the sloppy, embarrassing process of creating.

I'm discovering there is craft – which I am learning in school – that is helping my writing get cleaner and more focused, and there is the process of creating, which is messy and embarrassing and often confusing. I disagree with Mattison's idea that craft rarely leads to good writing. I think it's critical to good writing; it just isn't enough on its own.

I think, maybe more accurately, we should say there are two aspects to writing well: one is craft  and the other is the creative process. If craft is defined as the tools and skills that can be learned, the creative process is the artsy, personal side. It's what we as writers have to muddle through on our own, in our own way, which may actually even differ from story to story. The process is something we have to discover and rediscover.

I don't like messiness. I like things to be clean and neat and orderly. I like there to be answers to problems, a clear path from bad to good with a set of instructions to go along with it. But most of good writing isn't like that. It's a big fat muddy mess sometimes.

Maybe this is no revelation for you, but this has been a big revelation for me in some sense, in that I couldn't understand how I was getting so much better at the craft part, and still feeling like my writing as a whole was floundering. I am currently mired in my own creative process muck.

I'm still trying to find ways to make that process less messy. Jolene Perry recommended the book Save the Cat by Blake Snyder to me, and even though it's about screenwriting, I am finding in it terrific tools. But on the whole, I think I'm just going to have to accept that not all of writing is clean-cut. Not everything can be learned from a book or a class or even a brilliant mentor. And that even though some parts of my process are messy right now, doesn't mean other parts aren't making great strides.

Where do you thrive? In the disorderly, creative part of writing, or in the things more systematically and concretely learned?

The Reading List

The semester is over and I lay panting on the floor under a pile of books. The first two semesters I tried to keep up a running review - a once-a-week go-over of my favorites and what they meant to me. But this semester has been more intense, and I've been less online, and here I come to the end with hardly a word said about them.

I'm not sure how many people who read this blog will be interested in these books. It's been a more "literary" semester, one with far more short story collections and less books off the bestselling list. But just in case someone is in need of some titles, here they are:

Short Story Collections:

Refresh, Refresh (Ben Percy)
Night Swimming (Pete Fromm)
Jesus' Son (Denis Johnson)
Ship Fever (Andrea Barrett)
The Pugilist at Rest (Thom Jones)
American Salvage (Bonnie Jo Campbell)
The Fireman's Wife (Richard Bausch)
Where I'm Calling From (Raymond Carver) (ebook)

Novels:

A Soldier of the Great War (Mark Helprin)
Geek Love (Katherine Dunn)
Run (Ann Patchett)
City of Thieves (David Benioff)
The Old Man and the Sea (Ernest Hemingway)
In the Lake of the Woods (Tim O'Brien)
Let the Great World Spin (Colum McCann)
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Jonathan Safran Foer) (ebook)
The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins) (ebook)
Animal Farm (George Orwell) (ebook)
The Book Thief (Marcus Zusak) (ebook)

Non-Fiction:


Indian Creek Chronicles (Pete Fromm)
Hooked (Leslie Edgarton)
Writing the Breakout Novel (Donald Maas)

There's not any in here I would not recommend, although I love some more than others.

The Book Thief, if you haven't read it, is a must. Amazing read. My son and I read it together - he for his school and I for mine, and we both were in awe. It's narrated by death, during World War II, in a small town that borders Dachau. So... yeah. Incredible.

If you don't mind a little experimental writing, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is also well worth your time. Even though it takes place in post-9-11 New York City and the narrator is a boy whose father died in the World Trade Center, it is really a story about a boy trying to find answers when there are none, and instead, finding that he isn't alone. Very touching.

If you like memoir, or books about surviving in the wild, Indian Creek Chronicles is a book I will not soon forget. I burned dinners while reading it. I got grumpy when my family demanded things like clean underwear and food. Pete is my advisor this semester, though, so I have both a face and voice to put with the story, and that might have colored my reading some. I also am a huge fan of survivalist memoir. But the writing in this is truly beautiful.

You can't go wrong with anything by Tim O'Brien, and if you haven't read him, you should. He will spoil you for any other war books. 

I found Maas's book to be very basic and simplistic, but good. I don't think there was anything revolutionary for me in it, and it seemed a little overhyped in the idea that if you follow these rules you can become a best-seller, but it's a good beginner primer for writing novels.

Hooked was a little better, although it leaned too heavily on movies, for my tastes. I underlined a ton in it while reading, but a few months later, I can't remember what it was I thought was enlightening. I guess I should go back and look at that again.

I still don't get short stories. I can enjoy them, the way I enjoy a good poem, but I don't get how they work and how they're put together. The entire list of ones I read this semester were brilliant. There wasn't a one on there I didn't like. Fromm's, again, were probably my favorite because they resonated with me the most, but all of the others were also very well written.

So now I'm onto my next semester books. The tentative list is done and turned into school, but I imagine that might change over the semester as this one did.

I know you all read a wide variety of books, very different than the ones I've been reading, so tell me: what are the best books you've read in the past five months?

Before Oregon...

This is the mantra you hear around my house all the time now. With only four weeks until residency, it seems like everything hinges on this. "You need to go to the doctor and get that cough checked out before Oregon." "We need to set up the vacation plans before Oregon." "I need to finish all the touch-up painting on the trim before Oregon." "You need to hem my skirt before Oregon." "I need to revise two stories and a novel and write a new story before Oregon."

You'd think I was leaving for a year-long trip to some remote Survivor location.

I'm not. I'm just going back to school for ten days. But ten days is a lot to be away from home when you're the one who makes all the cogs in the wheel move smoothly, and it's an intense ten days that I can't afford to show up less than 100%.

If it's top in my family's head, it's overtaken mine. It's really all I think about. Which is sad, because this is a big time in my kids' lives. It's the end of school. They have award ceremonies and band concerts and choir concerts and piano recitals and parties and the pool opens. And it's not that I'm not at all those things and loving them all.

But in the back of my head, there is always school. There are advisors to consider, book lists to solidify, plane reservations to make, shuttles to book, clothes to buy and pack, There are silly things, like hair cuts and jewelry, and bigger things, like planning the thesis.

Oh thesis, how you vex me.

Okay, I admit, the thesis is taking up the majority of my brain power these days. Do I use my novel? Do I use the short stories I wrote this past semester? Do I mix the two? What is my strongest writing? Do I even have any strong writing anymore? To say I feel anxious and stressed doesn't even begin to come close. I've been praying a ton these last few weeks. For peace. For wisdom. For clear eyes. For more time to work, and more work to complete. But mostly for peace. And a closed mouth so that I do not drive those around me crazy with my anxiety.

I can't believe I am three quarters done with school, that there is only one semester left. Only one more advisor to get to know, love, glean brilliance from.

When I told my advisor how stressed I was about coming to the end, about feeling like this is the last chance to "get it right," to write something worthy of an MFA, to produce work I'd be proud to see leather bound in the Pacific University library with the other MFA alum, he said the smartest thing ever to me.

He said, "Heidi, the thesis is not the end product of your graduate work. The end product is whatever you go on to write for the rest of your writing life."

Now I just have to work on not stressing over the rest of my writing life.

Confessions of a Pinterest Mom

Ah Pinterest... how you fascinate  depress motivate inspire me!

It's not as though I need another thing to do, another "social media" that I can't keep up with. I tweet only when I remember that I might should do that, which is rarely.  I haven't been to Google+ in ages - too long to remember. I'm on facebook much less than I used to be, and let's not even start with how behind I am in blogging. Outside of my Word program, my computer is highly underutilized.

But when I finally gave in to the buzz of Pinterest and accepted an invitation from my cousin to join, just so I could find out what it was, I was ... overwhelmed impressed enthused confused excited.

If you don't know what Pinterest is, it is basically a virtual bulletin board that acts much the same as your bookmark tool does on your computer... only better.

At first I thought, "this is so much better than bookmarking pages, because now I can categorize them and find them easily with pictures!"

Then I realized that as I did that, others could see what I was bookmarking... and that I could see what they were bookmarking! (I'm a bit slow in the figuring things out department, but when I signed up, I really did have absolutely no idea what it was!).

And people out there... they are bookmarking incredible stuff!  Recipes that look divine! Crafts for kids! Home decor! New ways to do hair! Holiday decorations! Cleaning tips! Technology advice! Books! Quotes! Photography of amazing places!!

And since it's done with photographs... it's all so pretty!!

So pretty!!

So... perfect.

Then I spiralled into what I can only imagine is the typical Pinterest stage 2 - depression. Because how in the world does everyone else's life look so beautiful? So perfect? How are people so creative and chipper when doing such messy projects with kids? Who in the world can fit into the size 0 clothes everyone seems to put together in fashion collections?

Seriously - the clean and model-looking houses, the perfectly coiffed children, the fashion sense and dedication to food preparation I could only dream of doing if I had all day to cook and a bottomless wallet to grocery shop. And on closer inspection, most of the amazing fashion collections are not much more than jeans and t-shirts with cool scarves and nail polish that match. Who wouldn't look good in anything in a size 0?

I started thinking... are these people real? Do people actually doing all this, living like this?

And to top it all off, they are photographing it all - and not just with your point and shoot camera in bad lighting. Professionally. Like magazine quality photography.

I was depressed, because my life does not resemble any of this. Half the time, I'm lucky to get my hair in a ponytail before waking the kids, packing lunches, pouring cereal, and shoving everyone out the door to school. Laundry sits in my dryer until the next load needs the space, and then it sits in the hamper until it is so wrinkled I have to put it back in the dryer. There are piles of stuff around the house because I don't know where to put it, and there isn't time to clean out closets and get rid of some stuff to make room for others. I wear jeans and t-shirts, but they never look fashionable. And I've been known to occasionally set the kids in front of the Wii so I can get more writing done.

I consoled myself by thinking no one did ALL of this stuff. I bet the people with the fantastic delicious dinners have  gross bathrooms and unruly kids. And the mom doing all those amazing crafts with her kids probably does not match her nail polish with her high heels. 

Seriously, one can not be ALL put together, right?  So maybe I could find just one thing...

Apple nachos.

My kids need snack, right? And this looked super easy, and fun. Slice up some apples, melt a little peanut butter and drizzle over them, throw a handful of coconut, chocolate chips and nuts on them and WALA!! Gourmet snack!!

I did this for them on a Friday and it took less than five minutes and I was hero, I tell you. HERO!! They gobbled them up, I felt pretty good about them eating apples and peanut butter (and this is SO MUCH EASIER than trying to spread peanut butter on apples!!), and the next day they begged for them again. And then I realized they could make them themselves, and now they do. WIN!!

Then someone posted a sure-fire way to get out stains from clothes. I was highly skeptical. But I have this yellow Eddie Bauer sweatshirt I practically live in in the winter that I love love love. And it has this big stain down the front I nearly cry over. I think it's coffee. It's been so long I don't remember. But I do know I have washed and dried this thing to death.

But I tried the solution: baking soda, peroxide, and Dawn dishwashing liquid. Just a little of each, rubbed it in and let it set and...

OH MY GOSH IT CAME OUT!!! The stain was gone, and the old ratty sweatshirt looks like new!!

I tried it on underarm stains on my husband's t-shirts (that was actually what it was suppose to help with in the first place) and it worked! White t-shirts again!

I've done searches on Pinterest for things I could just as well have Googled, but more often than not, I find things I didn't even know I was looking for. Ways to make scarves (super fast!) out of old t-shirts, DIY glow-in-the-dark slime for the kids, how to store Christmas lights without tangling, dozens of creative uses for mason jars (including outdoor lighting and pre-made salads with dressings you can store in the fridge for the week ahead), cheap, homemade weed spray, window cleaner that is pennies and works better than any windex or other cleaner I've ever used, holiday and party ideas. The list goes on and on.

You can go nuts. I know. It gets crazy looking at everything out there. I've vowed to only pin the things I actually can do (except pretty home spaces... I just like looking at those). I check recipes to make sure they are doable before pinning them on my own boards. I pin only those crafts I think the kids and I could do reasonably without killing each other.

I spend only a few minutes each day on Pinterest, breezing through the latest pins. I could care less how many people follow me, or how many I follow, or how many repin my pin. I am not into the competition it could turn into. This is just for me. And my family.

And my kids will tell you over and over that Pinterest has made our lives better. They love it. And I think I'm getting out behind my computer a little more to do things with them.

Over spring break, we did these together:

Bunny cookies. We used prepackaged sugar cookie mix and cut out them out with egg-shaped cutters I had from when the kids were little. We also (finally!!) (on Pinterest!) found the recipe and instructions for how to make icing that "flows" and then hardens. Powered sugar, milk, corn syrup, lemon juice. That's it. These took us about an hour between mixing the dough, cutting, cooking, and decorating.

And a wreath. Cardboard, ribbon, and plastic eggs. It didn't cost us a dime, because we had so many eggs from previous years. My daughter cut out the cardboard "wreath" and the kids all hot-glued the eggs onto it, sticking a little extra "grass" for texture.  I love it!!! Less than half and hour to do.

Colored eggs with Kool Aid. Hmmm... we're always looking for new ways to decorate. No way is perfect, fun, and gorgeous, but the kids loved this. The best hint I got, though, was to boil the water with baking soda so the eggs peel more easily. And also, don't peel them. Cut the egg in half and then scoop the egg out of the shell with a spoon! Miracle tip!!

My youngest saw these cupcakes on Pinterest and wanted them for her birthday. Easiest birthday decorating ever! Chocolate cupcakes, green icing piped on with a grass tip (which I already had) and a bag of Cadbury eggs. She put the eggs on. :)

One week we had a new dinner every night. Great food. Some simple - like crispy oven fried chicken and Chick-fil-A knock offs, and others incredibly decadent (but also easy, because I don't have time to be cooking all day!). One tasted like something you'd get at Carrabas, and since I've never been good at Italian, I was stoked! We've incorporated almost all of those into our regular menu, which is a breath of fresh air for all of us.

I can easily get depressed looking through all the pins, thinking how less-than-magazine-perfect my life is. There are still piles around my house, dust layers on pictures. I still miss appointments occasionally and run late almost everywhere I go. I will never look like a model in my jeans and t-shirt.

But I now have a purse and nail polish that match. And sometimes, that is enough to make me smile.

I am not gone; I am writing.

I think this is the longest I've been away from the blog, and I forever feel guilt for not writing here, and coming to see you.

When I rewrote my blog profile after getting into school, I wrote half-jokingly, "If you don't see me for a while, I'm probably buried under books."  How true that turned out to be! I've read 17 books in three months. My stack of still-to-read is unwieldy.

While I don't feel like I've been in school that long, I've forgotten what it feels like to not live under constant stress. Something is always looming, always hanging over me. Sure, I get to read great books, but the having to read them sucks out just a bit of the joy of them.  Over spring break, with my kids home and my son begging me to take him to see the Hunger Games movie, I snuck in two days of reading the book. Just fun, pure, not-on-my-reading-list reading. Oh the bliss! Oh the delicious joy of reading just to read, just for a good story that sucks you in and will not let you go!

I'm both looking forward to the day when I don't have a list to follow and can read willy-nilly whatever catches my fancy, whether it is just plain fun or good literature, and also dreading the day when I'm left to my own devices with books, and probably miss out on some really great stuff because it looks too literary or not fun enough. Without school, I would never have read Let the Great World Spin or The Book Thief or In the Lake of the Woods or City of Thieves, all of which are amazing books that will stay with me forever. Seriously great books, recommended to me by people who may or may not be in my life in a year to point out good books I might like.

And when I'm not reading, I'm writing. If there is a spare minute somewhere, one that makes me stop to think, "I should blog right now... " by the time I get the computer open, my mind is already in the story I am writing.

All I think of when I come to the blog is apologies. For not blogging enough. For not visiting you enough. For not having enough time to do it all.

What I'm learning this semester: cut. cut. and cut some more. The reader does not need to know as much as you think they do. (Look at The Hunger Games. Almost no background is given in that book. Almost no explanation of what "the reaping" is or what "the Capitol" means, or who people are. Collins just writes as though you know, and in enough pages, you do know.) 

Keep the story in the present. Whenever you feel tempted to lapse into backstory or flashbacks, figure out a way to bring that information into the present instead.

Every page needs to engage tension, raise the stakes of your story. Something needs to always be at stake. The possibility of losing something great. Consequences.

Every scene needs to have a purpose, move the plot forward. Do not indulge in fluff.

Choose good words. Choose uncommon words where possible.

The first sentence of your story should be the whole story in microcosm.

The "find" tool in Word is a revisionist's best friend.

Read great books. Notice what the author did well. What is it you love about a book? How did the author accomplish that? It's easy to find fault with writing, but any book probably has something good in it to. Identify it. Incorporate it.

Cut some more. Whole scenes. Whole paragraphs if needed. Words here and there. As your fingers hover over the delete key, it feels like you are cutting off part of your body. But when you do it, suddenly the manuscript feels cleaner. More focused. It feels good.

Listen to yourself. First and foremost, listen to yourself. Beta readers are good, but in the end, you are the author of your story.

And if you need to stop blogging for a while to just write, that's okay too. Forgive yourself. Unless your dream is to become a world-famous blogger.

14 Ways to Make Mediocre Art

(from chattingatthesky.com)